The Art of Bouncing Back

Just as life seems to be going great, you get hit with an unexpected blow. Your car breaks down and the bill depletes your vacation fund. You go for a routine dental exam and find you need a root canal. A work colleague announces he just got a great promotion …the one you thought was yours. Or worse. Life is full of bumps in the road. Some are larger than others, but they’re all destabilizing.
So how do you bounce back from financial setbacks, health concerns, and life’s disappointments? Moving on is often easier said than done, but three techniques can make you more resilient: venting, going to the balcony, and solution sleuthing.
Since none of us likes to be seen as a whiner, you might be tempted to just bury your feelings. While putting on a brave front is appropriate at times, it won’t help your rebound. Putting on a happy face when you’re churning inside is like spraying lilac deodorizer in a smoke-soaked room. You don’t get rid of the stench; you just end up with a different stench. Instead, it’s far more productive to stir things up and air your feelings with a trusted friend. Expressing your anger or sadness allows you to process your feelings and be comforted. As you do, some weight is lifted and the numbness or pain will likely lessen. The loss is still there, but a caring ear reminds you that you’re not alone.
Gaining perspective is also important. To do so, try “going to the balcony.” Using a wide-angled lens, consider what crises you’ve survived in the past. You might even rate the current challenge compared with past disappointments. Studies have shown that rating a stressful situation reduces our stress response to the event. Studies have also shown that one of the biggest boosts in happiness comes from keeping a gratitude journal. Take time every day –even on bad days- to list all of the things that you appreciate. Perhaps the economy stinks, but your health is great. Or your health is a challenge, but your family loves you dearly. Maybe you’ve been laid off, but a friend says you can crash with him. For a short time each day, focus on what’s right. From the balcony, you’ll get perspective on the severity of your present situation, your capacity to survive, and on any things that are right with your life.
Once you’ve vented and broadened your perspective, you might try what I call “solution sleuthing.” You solution sleuth by turning complaints into questions.
For instance, when you catch yourself thinking “My vacation just went down the drain with that car repair,” try turning the complaint into a question: “Where can I go on half the money?” or “How can I replace my vacation money by June?” Complaints drain the brain. If repeated often they can make us feel powerless, stressed, and even depressed. Questions, on the other hand, beg to be answered. They are energizing, motivating, and spur us on in a new direction.
Suppose the next time life presents you with an unexpected blow, you confide in a friend, gain a broader perspective, and create a new path forward. You may not only bounce back, but come back even stronger than you were before.

FOUR POWERFUL QUESTIONS YOU CAN ASK YOURSELF

How is your year going so far? It's good to from time to time review how things are going. And to have a look at how you can make the rest of this year even better.

So I'd like to share four valuable questions that I ask myself all the time to keep myself on track towards a better life. Maybe they are new to you. Or maybe they are just healthy reminders that can help you to focus your mind and actions once again.

1. How can I give value in this situation?

This is a great way to improve your relationships and interactions. Four awesome reasons to give value in your everyday life are:

• It makes you feel awesome.
• You tend to get what you give.
• It makes your life a whole lot more fun.
• It makes it easier to start new relationships and improve your old ones.

What value can you give in a situation/to another person? Well, a bunch of suggestions would be: bringing a positive attitude into situations, being kind, helping out in a practical way, lending a listening ear, cheering someone up, offering useful advice or creating a fun/exciting situation for people in your life.

2. Would I rather be right or be happy?

Right in this question means the need to judge, the need to be right while interacting with other people. It's not just about the guy who can't be wrong in a discussion though.

 

It's about the thought that you don't always have to be against people or things. You don't have to exist in a "me against the world" or "me against someone" headspace. You don't have to defend positions all the time or build walls. You can let go of the mentality that says "someday I'll show them all!" that may be based in some sad stories from your youth. You can just relax, be cool and be with people instead of being against them in some subtle or not so subtle ways.

Feeling like you are right can bring some pleasure. But beyond that there is a lot more connection, happiness and positivity to be found. I like this question when I feel like I have to be right and judge. When I need to let go of inner trash. Or when I just have a feeling within that I should re-examine my current beliefs to move forward. I often find something helpful by doing so.

3. What is the most important thing I can do right now?

If you are lost in what to do next in your day, week or life, ask yourself this question. The answer might not always be what you want to hear because the most important thing is often one of the harder things you want to do too. But it can help you to check your priorities and stop you from getting lost in busy work and instead start tackling the really big stuff that will improve your life in any area in the long run.

4. What do I think is the right thing to do?

One of the hardest things to do in life is to do the right thing. What you think is the right thing. Not what your friends, family, teachers, boss and society thinks is the right thing.

What is the right thing? That's up to you to decide. Often you have a little voice in your head that tells what the right thing is. Or a gut feeling.

Here are three reasons to do the right thing:

• You tend to get what you give. I already mentioned this as a reason to give value (one of those things that I often think is right thing to do). By doing the right thing you tend to get the same things back. Give value to people, help them and they will often want to help you and give you value in some form. Not everyone will do it but many will. Not always right away but somewhere down the line. Things tend to even out. Do the right thing, put in the extra effort and you tend to get good stuff back. Don't do it and you tend to get less good stuff back from the world.
• To raise your self-esteem. This is a really important point. When you don't do the right thing you are not only sending out signals out into your world. You are also sending signals to yourself. When you don't do the right thing you don't feel good about yourself. You may experience emptiness or get stuck in negative thought loops. It's like you are letting yourself down. You are telling yourself that you can't handle doing the right thing. To not do the right thing is a bit like punching yourself in the stomach.
• To avoid self-sabotage. A powerful side effect of not doing the right thing is that you give yourself a lack of deservedness. This can really screw up you and your success. If you don't do the right thing in your life then you won't feel like you deserve the success that you may be on your way towards or experiencing right now. So you start to self-sabotage, perhaps deliberately or through unconscious thoughts. By doing the right thing you can raise your self-esteem and feel like a person who deserves his/her success.

Self-Esteem:  The Best Gift You Can Give

    When I ask the question, “How many of you think your parents loved you as a child?” most of the hands in my classes go up.  “Now, how many of you felt loved as a child?”  Just a few hands remain.  No matter where I speak, the response is generally the same.  What does this mean for us as parents?
    Self-esteem, especially in children, is closely linked to a feeling of being loved, of being lovable.  Whether we know it or not, we are “teaching” self-esteem, or a lack of it, to our children all the time.  For the most part, children look to the adults in their environment, and later to their peers, for a reflection of who they are and how they are.  Children are observers, who soak up every bit of information we provide—our words, facial expressions, posture, tone of voice, touch—and the conclusions they draw (“I am important,” “I don’t matter,” “I am loved,” “I’m a nuisance”) then become their “truth” about themselves and what they deserve in life. 
    We, as parents, have the choice to teach unconsciously—by repeating the patterns our own parents used with us—or to make a conscious choice to pass on the values we would like to see perpetuated. 
    Pass on the best and throw out the rest.  An important place to begin conscious awareness is to take an honest look at your own childhood.  Remember what it was like growing up in your family.  What did your parents do to make you feel loved?  Was their love conditional or unconditional?  How did they discipline you?  Did they believe children need to be controlled?  How did they communicate and resolve problems with you and with each other?  What helped you to feel good about yourself, and what led you to believe you were “bad,” that there was something wrong with you?  Try not to idealize your experiences, but rather remember what it felt like to grow up in your family.  Not remembering painful memories leaves you at greater risk of repeating those behaviors with your own children.
    Our parents, being human and lacking the tools available today, made mistakes, but we can choose to learn from those mistakes rather than repeating them.  Our children give us the opportunity to become the parents we wished we would have had.  When my father died, I thanked him for giving me the passion to parent a different way.
    It is better to prepare than to repair.  Fostering positive self-esteem from the beginning is easier and healthier than trying to repair a negative self-concept later in life.  Here are some of the major factors that contribute to self-esteem:
High Self-Esteem
Respect (valuing), Acceptance, Affection, Attention, Being listened to, Play, Laughter, and Positive reinforcement (compliments, support, encouragement, believing in, acknowledgement)
Low Self-Esteem
Disrespect, Rejection, Abuse of any kind, Being ignored or neglected, Not being listened to, Perfectionism and comparison, Negative reinforcement (put-downs, criticism, judgment, labeling, name calling, ridicule, humiliation)
    Self-esteem begins with self-love, with respecting, accepting, and taking care of you.  This love spills over to your children, who learn to love themselves and to love you.  Self-esteem also depends on unconditional love: love with respect, empathy, acceptance, sensitivity, and warmth.  Unconditional love says, “Regardless of what you do, I love and accept you for who you are.” 
    Bite your tongue.  I have noticed that when I am stressed, preoccupied, or operating form an unconscious mode (not being present), words slip out of my mouth that I wish I had not said.  My children’s self-esteem suffers and so does mine.  Healthy families remind each other of their goodness; unhealthy families remind each other of their failings.  Take time to regularly remind yourself of your goals and values—what you want for your children—and you will create that consciously.
    Flip your focus.  Many of us have been taught to catch ourselves and our children being “bad.”  Instead of looking for shortcomings, and what is wrong, focus on the terrific aspects. Reinforce the positive and tell your children what you want, not what you do not want.
    Examine your expectations.  Expectations that are not developmentally appropriate set our children up for failure and set us up for disappointment.  Expectations that are too low tell our children that we do not believe in them.  Maintain a balance between high expectations for yourself and your children, and then cheer each other on.
    When you are good to yourself, you feel good about yourself.  I wished that my mother had told me how to take care of me, rather than valuing me as the caretaker.  A large part of self-esteem comes from feeling that we deserve to be happy, to have fun, to enjoy life, to do the things we want to do.  Many times, we unwittingly provide low self-esteem models to our children by rationalizing that we no longer have the time or money to do nice things for ourselves.
    Here is a good exercise in self-nourishment.  Make a list of 20 activities you enjoy doing that do not require lots of money or elaborate planning (like taking a hot bath while listening to music with candlelight).  It is especially revealing if you take note of the last time you actually did these activities.  Make a commitment to do at least one activity from your list every day.  This can become a family activity too, with each family member reminding and encouraging the others to be good to themselves.
    Get rid of what you do not want and replace it with what you do.  Listen to what you say to yourself during the course of each day.  Turn up the volume and tune into your thoughts: “That was dumb.” “I’m too fat.” “I’m not good enough.”  As you hear the messages, write them down.  Where did they come from?  The reason most people feel bad about themselves is they keep telling themselves how awful they are.  For every statement you record, think of a way to say what you really want to believe about yourself, and jot down an affirmation as a reminder.  Turn your “stinking thinking” into positive self-talk.  You will be surprised what happens—not only for you but also for your children. 
    When you are having fun together, love just happens.  Think about your weekly activities and how much time you spend with your children having fun.  How much time to do you devote to play?  Most of us have narrowed down the realm of play to a set of tennis on the weekend, or maybe renting a video.  We have forgotten the delights of make-believe, building forts, setting up a toy store, and swimming with a friend.  Luckily, our children are the best teachers we could possibly have to help us recover the child within us.  Play brings a special closeness to family relationships, and when you or your children are feeling out of sorts, laughter is the best medicine.
    Discipline without damage.  I often ask parents what comes to mind when I say the word discipline.  The most common response is punishment. Discipline is a teaching process where we help our children to be self-regulated.  When our children “misbehave” we may react as our parents did and shame or blame.  When anyone feels attacked, they will shut down to protect themselves from our harmful words.  “I” statements indicate clearly what we are feeling and ask for a specific change in behavior: “I feel_______, when you______, and I need ________.  Taking the time to formulate an “I” statement allows you to step back and look objectively at why your buttons are being pushed.  What is coming up in you from your past?  Then you can decide if this particular issue is a leftover value inherited from your parents.  It may come up, for example, that you do have strong feelings about being spoken to disrespectfully, or that you don’t really care if your child clothes are clean enough to wear a second day.
    Finding new ways to discipline involves replacing the old reward and punishment system with natural and logical consequences.  The Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (S.T.E.P.) approach and the insights of Alfred Adler and Rudolph Dreikurs provide wonderful tools for parents.  Taking parenting classes is a wonderful way to learn new parenting skills and to share parenting experiences.
    Joy shared is joy doubled; sorrow shared is sorrow cut in half.  In the past, extended families were the rule, rather than the exception.  We no longer have that built-in support system and need to create our own support systems by reaching out to neighbors, coworkers, and friends when things get tough or when we just what to share our experience of parenthood.  Parenting classes are an excellent way to connect with others who are sharing the parenting experience.  Please visit my web site  (www.Parenting-Plus.com) for a list of classes, or to schedule your own.
    Listen, listen, listen.  We all know what it feels like to have something to say and the person we want to talk to is not listening.  Most people need to improve their listening skills.  I am completing my Master of Counseling degree and am grateful to this program for improving my listening skills.  When you listen to your children, look them in the eye (at their eye level), set aside judgment and criticism, tune into nonverbal cues, and let them finish speaking.  Then, reflect a feeling back to them, from their point of view (using their words): “You must have felt_____” or “It sounds like you were _____.”  If your reply is right, they will know you heard them and understood.  If your reply is wrong, they will know that their message did not get through, and they can try to restate it more clearly.  This is “win-win” communication, and it enhances everyone’s self-esteem.
    Let go of perfectionism.  My Mother was a perfectionist and I am aware of how I developed that tendency.  My children have helped me recover from the mistaken belief that anything must be perfect.  Because perfectionists have impossible expectations, they are usually frustrated, disappointed, and angry.  Perfectionism creates stress for the entire family.  To let go of perfectionism, add more joy, play, and silliness to your life.  Be gentler with yourself and others.  A mistake does not mean you are a failure, but rather provides an opportunity to learn.  When children make mistakes, their self-esteem often suffers; but when they are encouraged to “fix” those mistakes, their self-esteem rises.  The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
    What goes around comes around.  A wonderful reward of conscious parenting is that our children give back to us the same care, support, and encouragement that we give to them.  My children have been my best cheerleaders since beginning graduate school and expanding my teaching career.  They remind me to release perfectionism and support my ability to succeed.  They have encouraged me to take risks and we have co-created a winning family in which everyone feels like a success.  It is not easy to create a “win-win” situation in our “win-lose” culture.  It is worth the effort though.  Happiness and connection happen when you replace old negative habits with new high self-esteem behaviors and attitudes.  It all begins with self-awareness and a conscious choice.
   

How to Make Yourself Absolutely Miserable

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."

Wayne Dyer

 

I think that becoming a happier person is not so much about changing external circumstances as it is about changing your thinking.

You can pile up tons of positive external stuff in your life but if your internals are messed up then your life won't become that much better.

 

And the thing is that if you get your thoughts into the right place then your outer world will start to align to those thoughts.

 

Now, there are quite a few ways to make yourself miserable. Here are a bunch of them that I believe are some of the most popular. I have used them time and time again. I still do from time to time.

 

I'd recommend decreasing these thought habits as much as possible. Ditching them all together might be hard. But over time you can cut down on them significantly.

 

To remind yourself of them you may want to print out this article or write down a few of these ways that you feel especially apply to you.

 

You can use those notes as reminders to put on the fridge or your bathroom mirror.

 

Compare everything you do to the lives and accomplishments of other people.

 

The problem with comparing yourself to others is that there will always be someone with more than you. So you get a car that is nicer than the ones your closest neighbours drive. And that feels awesome for a while. But then one day you see the young kid on the next block driving around in his new, cool and expensive sports car. And once again, you don't feel so good anymore.

 

A more useful way of thinking is to compare yourself to yourself. Appreciate the progress you have made. Take a closer look at the areas where you aren't improving as much as you'd like and try to figure out why. Then make a plan for how you can improve on those areas of your life.

 

Go along with what everyone else tells you. And try to please everyone.

 

Recognize that everyone will have opinions about what you can do. That doesn't mean that you have to do what they say. You cannot live your life through the eyes of everyone else. Well, you can but then you'll most likely feel a lot of pressure from every direction and not feel that well at all.

 

And even if you do try to please everyone you may find that some people aren't pleased anyway. That's because what they are saying doesn't have much to do with you at all. What they are saying is just an outer reflection of their life and how they feel. If they didn't say something negative to you then they would complain about cab drivers, dog owners or whoever popped up in their mind or in front of their nose.

 

Now I could tell you that you should always think for yourself instead and make your decisions on what you know. The problem I have found with that point of view is that you and I are bit like everyone else. We also like to feel like we are right and are sitting on the best advice. So what you are thinking is right may not always be the best solution.

 

So try to do some research. Ask people who have actually been where you want to go what they have learned. Try to base your decisions on something substantial. Then just take action. In the end you have to experiment, fail over and over again and discover what actually works for you.

 

Live in a sea of negative voices.

 

What you allow into your mind will affect you. So be selective. If you're hanging out with negative people all the time then that can really drag you down. It's not easy to stay optimistic when pessimism is the default mode in your world.

Another part of this is getting hooked on the news and prophecies of the sky falling. The sky is probably not falling.

 

Consider spending less time with negative voices. Cut back on - or cut out - seeing negative people. Cut back on watching the news or even more spectacularly negative TV-shows. You'll find yourself with a chunk of new, free and fresh time to do something more fun.

 

Never mix things up or try something new.

 

This one is sneaky. It can fool you into feeling that things are pretty OK. You have your pleasant, safe routine. But underneath there are fuzzy negative feelings of dissatisfaction that sometimes move up to the surface.

 

Remind yourself of the other times when you have tried something and how you most often don't regret it at all. In fact, you probably had a pretty good time. Don't fool yourself into complacency.

 

I'm not saying that you need to go sky diving. But simply that it's a good choice to mix things up, to get some diversity at least once in a while. The next time someone suggests trying something give a try. Or make a suggestion to your friends.

 

Spend too much of your time in the past and/or the future.

 

How much time do you spend thinking about something that has happened? Or on something that you think will happen?

 

How much time do you actually spend thinking about and observing what is actually in front of your nose right now?

 

It may seem like a pretty good idea to think about a great memory. Or dream about what you will do for the weekend or your vacation. And it is.

 

The thing is just that if you spend much time in the past or present then thoughts tend to spiral a bit out of control. You start to overthink. You imagine future scenarios in an almost compulsive way. You replay and reinterpret old memories. You trap yourself in a negative downward spirals and moods.

 

Getting lost in these trains of thoughts is very easy. But you can also train yourself to keep a closer eye on your thoughts. If you start to question your own thoughts throughout the day with questions like: "is this useful?" then you can improve your understanding of what you are spending your time thinking about.

 

If you find what you are thinking isn't really that useful just drop it and start thinking about something else. If you can't just drop it - it isn't easy sometimes - here are three suggestions:

 

1. Focus most of your thinking on finding a solution. Not on wallowing in your negative thoughts. There is often something you can do about a situation. Focus your mind on finding that or those solutions. Then take action. This can bring you out of a negative mood and make you see light at the end of the tunnel.

 

2. Focus on your breathing. Take a couple of dozen belly breaths and just focus your mind on your inhaling and exhaling. This will calm you down, release anxiety and align you with the present moment once again.

 

3. Focus on what is in front of you right now. Instead of thinking over and over again about what your boss told you yesterday or what you want for dinner just focus on what's right in front of you. When you are driving actually observe what is happening in front of you. When you ride the bus observe the people, trees and buildings.

 

Like so much else, being present is a muscle you have to build. You learn to stay longer in the now and it becomes easier to snap back into it after some training.

 

Focus on what you don't want.

 

If you focus on what you don't want then that is what your focus system in your mind, your reticular activating system (RAS), will find. If you focus on how everything is going down the toilet then your RAS will let you notice examples of that in your surroundings.

 

You can only bring into focus what you are focusing on. The rest will blur into the background. So if you want to earn more money don't focus on your lack of money. Focus on how you can make more money. Opportunities will jump out at you in conversations, while you are reading the paper or watching TV or while you are just walking down the street. It can be a bit freaky sometimes. Suddenly, after having changed your focus, something that has obviously been there for quite some time in the background jumps out at you.

 

Just focusing on what you want won't solve your problems though. You still need to take action over and over to take advantage of your newfound opportunities.

 

Spend your time looking for magic pills.

 

Reading a book on personal development won't solve your problems. It's kinda devious though because reading the book can make you feel like you are making progress. But without action there is little progress.

But this pleasant feeling of making progress can become addictive. It gives you an emotional high. So you read another book. And another. And you become a personal development junkie.

 

Always looking for that one thing that will change your life. But there are no real magic pills. Some books are certainly more helpful than others. Especially if they wind up in your hand at the right time. When you are ready for them. And exposing your mind constantly to positive and helpful information is better than listening to negative voices. Over time it can help you change how you think and how you view your world.

 

But it is no substitute for taking action. Someone might try to sell you something that they promise will bring big rewards with basically no action on your part. That's probably just a sales pitch. The product itself may be good, great or useless. You never really know. You just have to try it out by taking action and see for yourself.

 

My recommendation is to stop looking for magic pills. Instead just buy a classic personal development book from authors like Brian Tracy or Eckhart Tolle. Then actually follow one or two of their tips for 30 days. Just focus on that. Then move on to another couple of pieces of advice. This will give you better results than running around in circles looking for magic pills.

 

Take things too seriously.

 

Things are seldom really that serious. It's most often your ego trying to fool you into thinking so. Because if your problems are serious, huge and important then that means that you must be important. It's a way to try to raise your value for yourself and in the eyes of others.

 

It's not a great way of thinking though. You'll spend far too much time thinking about the past and the future. You'll create irritability and instability within yourself that is reflected into the outside world. You'll probably spend quite a bit of time being hard on yourself.

 

Being hard on yourself might sound a like a good idea to "teach yourself a lesson". I believe it's better to drop such behaviour and learn what you can from mistakes and then move on. Being hard on yourself just seems to create a lot of negativity and problems within yourself. All in all, by taking things too seriously you can really go down, down, down into a negative spiral.

 

Lightening up and not taking things too seriously is more pleasurable and useful thing to do.

Nelson Mandela Biography

South African statesman and president (1994-99). Born Rolihlahla Mandela on July 18, 1918 in Transkei, South Africa. Mandela's father had four wives and Mandela's mother, Nosekeni Fanny, was the third. His father died when Mandela was nine years-old and he is taken in by a high ranking chief who provides him with an education for the civil service. It is in college where Mandela develops a nationalist position and begins to advocate for black African rights. He is arrested and imprisoned for twenty-seven years. In time, as the white South African government reeled under international political pressure, Mandela was released and commenced working with the South African white government to transition to black majority rule and away from apartheid. At age 77, Mandela was elected President of South Africa, serving only one term. He has since then spent his life promoting equality and world peace in many parts of the world.
There was little in Nelson Mandela's early life to indicate that he would become a leader of an independence movement and eventually president of his country. He was born Rolihlahla Mandela in rural South Africa in the tiny village of Mvezo, on the banks of the Mbashe River in the province of Transkei. "Rolihlahla" in the language of Xhosa literally means "pulling the branch of a tree," but more commonly means "troublemaker."
His father was destined to be a chief and for years served as a counselor to tribal chiefs. But over a dispute with the local colonial magistrate, he lost his title and his fortune. Rolihlahla was only an infant at the time and the loss of status forced his mother to move the family to Qunu, an even smaller village north of Mvezo. The village was nestled in a narrow grassy valley. There were no roads, only foot paths that linked the pastures where livestock grazed. The family lived in huts and ate a local harvest of maize, sorghum, pumpkin, and beans, which was all the family could afford. Water came from springs and streams and cooking was done outdoors. Nelson played the games of young boys, acting out male rights-of -passage scenarios with toys he made himself from the natural materials available, tree branches and clay.
At the suggestion of one of Rolihlahla's father's friends, he was baptized into the Methodist church and became the first in his family to attend school. As was the custom at the time, and probably due to the bias of the British educational system in South Africa, his teacher told him that his new first name would be "Nelson."
Nelson Mandela's father died of lung disease when Nelson was nine years old. From that point, his life changed dramatically. He was adopted by Chief Jongintaba Dalindyebo, the acting regent of the Thembu people. This gesture was done as a favor to Nelson's father who, years earlier, had recommended Jongintaba be made chief. Nelson left the carefree life he knew in Qunu, fearing he would never see is village again. He traveled by motorcar to Mqhekezweni, the provincial capital of Thembuland, to the chief's royal residence. Though he had not forgotten his beloved village of Qunu, he quickly adopted to the new, more sophisticated surroundings of Mqhekezweni.
to be continue